I Wish I Could Say I Was Sorry: Stunning Memoir of an English Girl’s 1950s Childhood in Kenya (2014) is set in England and Kenya from the 1950s to the 1970s.
In 1954 at the age of eight, Susie’s mother and father travelled by ship to Mombasa, and by train to Nairobi, and into a bungalow – out of grey England into sunny Kenya. It was the beginning of the end of Kenya’s colonial era when ‘life was so exciting; so colourful, so comfortable; so safe, so perfect.’ Until, only months later, her mother left the house due to a ‘scandalous’ affair, and eventually to South Africa with her new husband. It was tragic for the author, but, at least, she had Daddy.
It wasn’t only Susie in a state of distress; Kenya was in a state of emergency due to the rise of the murderous Mau Mau. Her father sent Susie to boarding school back in England, to a life with her grandparents, back to a ‘monochrome world.’ She felt abandoned by both parents.
Four years later, in 1958, she re-unites with her father – and his new partner Helen and their new baby. What a shock for Susie! And another baby a year later! Life in Kenya changed rapidly for Susie, who felt lonely and rejected. It descended into resentment, jealousy, rebellion, and all the negative behaviours a teenager could possibly experience.
By the end of December 1963, Kenya’s independence from Britain, Susie was still a self-absorbed 17-year-old. She changed boyfriends as often as she changed jobs – both were in abundance. But her horse, Cinderella, soon changed her life – this time for the better.
And, thankfully, at this point the tone of the novel develops a much lighter and happier pace. At 18 years of age, Susie had a well-paid job, a place to live, a car, and a 29-year-old fiancé.
But then, life is not as she expected: ‘And I was increasingly aware that I’d got myself into a dire mess.’ She was right – her life was a mess and it got a whole lot worse after the marriage. Tragically.
Although not well-written, this is an easy read, introspective and honest, starting with heaviness and depression that brightens, then slumps into darkness again before its apologetic ending. This is the journey from a troubled childhood through the rebellious teen years and into adulthood with all its challenges rooted in the past.
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MARTINA NICOLLS
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MARTINA NICOLLS is an international aid and development consultant, and the author of: The Paris Residences of James Joyce (2020), Similar But Different in the Animal Kingdom (2017), The Shortness of Life: A Mongolian Lament (2015), Liberia’s Deadest Ends (2012), Bardot’s Comet (2011), Kashmir on a Knife-Edge (2010) and The Sudan Curse (2009).
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